Penny and Stu Steal a Schooner

Penny and Stu were quick to hatch a plan after they hopped aboard a three masted schooner at the Mystic Seaport Museum.

“What do you bribe a crew with?  Gold bullion?” Arctic Stu asked Penny.  “We can’t sail this ship by ourselves.”

“From the looks of this lot I would say they’d flip on their own father for a glazed donut.  Don’t worry about it.”

Penny and Stu climbed up on the forward deck and peered down at the people milling around the vessel.

“Ladies and Gentlemen!” Penny called out.  “I am Colonel Penny Loafer of South Georgia Island, this is my second in command, Stu, and under the order of the highest Emperor of Penguins, we are officially taking over this vessel.”  Instantly, a large woman with a fanny pack and jean shorts jumped overboard, hitting the water with a great splash.

Penny was quick to bark instructions at his newly consripted crew.  “You, holding the child on a leash, ready the mainsail!  You, with the “Ithaca is Gorges” t-shirt, climb to the crow’s nest!  And put on a different t-shirt!”

Penny was about to command his next crewmember when another voice broke the silence.

“What is going on here???” The question came from a man with a white beard and captain’s hat yelled.  His nametag read, “Cap’n Steve.”

“Good sir,” Penny responded.  “I am Colonel Penny Loafer of South Georgia Island, this is Stu, and we are commandeering this vessel.  I’ll ask you to kindly retire to your quarters. We’ll take it from here.”

The man laughed a big belly laugh.  “I’m sorry,” he said, “you two are misinformed.  This here is a museum vessel.  It doesn’t go anywhere!”

“Fiddle sticks, you daft excuse for a Captain!” Penny retorted. “Stu!  Undo the lines!  Ready the mainsail!”

“This ship doesn’t even have a rudder,” the man said.  “It’s just for show.  And I’m not a captain.  I’m a “Cap’n”.  Just Steve, really.  I teach history at the middle school. ”  Steve took Penny and Stu to the pilot room where they saw that the ship’s wheel was bolted tight so that little kids couldn’t spin it incessantly.

Soon, two elderly women from museum security walked gingerly onboard and took Penny and Stu to the exit.  Realizing that their plan to sail home for free had all been in vein, they left without a fight.

“That was our shot, Stu.”

“Whatever, man.  Just pound a Red Bull and let’s go.”

And the two left Mystic, Connecticut in search of their next curious adventure…

Penny and Stu Steal a Bike

“I’M TELLING YOU, you have to have a bike in this city,” Stu told Penny one day while playing Tony Hawk’s Shred on Xbox.

“I’d rather have a town car and a driver,” Penny said.  “And do you always have to do that left side fakie ollie?  It’s so rote.”

“I’ll do it until you come and steal a bike with me.”

And so Penny and Stu left their  Lower East Side apartment, Stu with a pair of bolt cutters he’d borrowed from the super.  Penny kept watch as Stu went to work on the chain.  Within seconds the bike was free and now Penny and Stu had to make a decision.  Where were they going to go?  The answer: everywhere.

When the coast was clear they hopped on the pedals and got the bike to move.  Although they didn’t have very good control of the bike, Penny and Stu ripped down Broadway.  They wove in and out of traffic, slowing only when Stu saw a man pushing a Shih-Tzu in a stroller.

“You’re the animal, dude!  That’s degrading!” he yelled.

They hadn’t gone very far when out of nowhere a Dominican woman selling empanadas cut in front of the bike with her cart.  Penny and Stu slammed on the breaks but it was too late, they hit the side of the cart and were flung onto the sidewalk.

The woman felt so badly that she hadn’t seen the bike coming that she gave Penny and Stu each an empanada of their choice.  Stu grasped for the beef while Penny took a spinach and a fist-full of napkins.  As they ate their empanadas Penny told Stu that he didn’t think is was very prudent for the two of them to steal bicycles any more.  Stu thought about it for a second, then turned to the Dominican woman and said, “Uno mas, por favor!”

Penny and Stu Go to Court!

WHEN Arctic Stu opened the mail to find two Court of New York jury summons notices for he and Colonel Penny Loafer he was dumbfounded.

“Jury duty? Are you freaking kidding me?”

“I”ve heard stories of this jury duty situation,” said Penny.  “Absolutely dreadful.”

The day came and the duo arrived at the jurors room on Centre Street to be screened to serve.  They went through security quickly, having no bags, jackets, or even clothes in which to conceal, well, anything but Stu’s iPhone, which he held in his paw.

In a steril and undecorated jurer’s room, Penny and Stu sat in silence as people from all walks of life shuffled in.  An outdated movie showing medieval witches being drowned and Robin Hood-looking thieves having their hands boiled played, eventually changing the  focus to more civilized modern day courtrooms.

“If this is an attempt to make this court system seem like a breath of fresh air, it’s sure working,” Penny said.

“It’s crap.” said Arctic Stu as he Tweeted “This sucks!!! #juryduty” on his phone.

After a few more minutes of silent anguish a court officer stood up and explained what everyone needed to do: Tear this form, sign this form, yadda yadda.  “Is everyone here a US citizen?” he asked.

When Colonel Penny Loafer shared his situation the man was astounded. “Yous are from where?”

“Well, good sir, I am from a land of rock and snow called Antarctica and my good chap Stu over here is from the Arctic circle. A speck of a place called Svalbard.”

“It’s a pretty sweet place,” Stu added.

Incensed, the man told them to go to another building, where they would have to show Greencards. Of course neither Penny nor Stu had one.  They had both come to the city on stray ice flows.

Afraid of being found out, they rushed out of the courtroom and hit the streets.  Penny suspected that a man with an earpiece was following them so they dashed on the 4 train and sought the protection of Brooklyn.

There they were, a polar bear and a penguin without Greencards, evading the court system of New York City. Surely this would lead to more adventures. But first they had to get a burger at Junior’s.