Posts Tagged With: nyc
Times have been tough for Colonel Penny Loafer and Arctic Stu. Rent is due at the end of the month and neither have been able to secure a job. They’ve been to countless recruiters but beyond travel experience, they’ve been told they, “Don’t have any marketable skills.” and “Are a polar bear and penguin, not human beings.” One recruiter threw them out of her office when Colonel Penny Loafer rebutted her remark that he didn’t have any leadership experience.
“I’ve lead 30,000 of Antarctica’s finest through the dead of winter in the most inhospitable place on earth!” he said. “So what if I don’t know how to hide columns in Excel!”
Needless to say, they were in need of some spiritual guidance.
The psychic wasn’t very helpful. Her crystal ball had three finger-size holes in it and “7 Pounds” etched on one side. The first thing she saw when she looked at it was that Penny and Stu had come from a great distance. But she did say that all of Penny and Stu’s needs would be fulfilled soon, and that money would come from a place they least expected it. “The one thing I see clearly,” she said, “is that the two of you have many adventures yet to come. Also, those Buddha figures are on sale, if you’re interested.”
After their harrowing experience with the stolen bicycle Penny and Stu decided that walking, not riding, the streets of New York was probably their best bet. But the streets were getting boring. They felt closed in. Too many commuters, too many cars and too many tourists. Oh, the tourists. “If one more tourist asks me which way is Uptown I’m going to vomit all over their fanny pack,” Stu told Penny.
Penny and Stu set off to cross all 5,989 feet of the Brooklyn Bridge. Despite it being February 2nd the air was warm, maybe a function of the same global warming that cast off the ice flows that brought both Penny and Stu to New York City in the first place. While Penny took in the view, Stu dreamed of speed. “I told you we should have kept that bike!” Stu told Penny. “We’re getting smoked!”
Penny stopped midway to read about the history of the bridge and New York Harbor. Stu hocked loogies over the side.
By the time they reached the other side of the bridge they couldn’t help but bask in the high that comes from crossing such an iconic structure. They took it all in.
“Wait! Do we have to go all the way back?” Stu asked.
“I say we keep going, my good chap. See what we can find in the great beyond.”
And their adventure continued…
“I’M TELLING YOU, you have to have a bike in this city,” Stu told Penny one day while playing Tony Hawk’s Shred on Xbox.
“I’d rather have a town car and a driver,” Penny said. “And do you always have to do that left side fakie ollie? It’s so rote.”
“I’ll do it until you come and steal a bike with me.”
And so Penny and Stu left their Lower East Side apartment, Stu with a pair of bolt cutters he’d borrowed from the super. Penny kept watch as Stu went to work on the chain. Within seconds the bike was free and now Penny and Stu had to make a decision. Where were they going to go? The answer: everywhere.
When the coast was clear they hopped on the pedals and got the bike to move. Although they didn’t have very good control of the bike, Penny and Stu ripped down Broadway. They wove in and out of traffic, slowing only when Stu saw a man pushing a Shih-Tzu in a stroller.
“You’re the animal, dude! That’s degrading!” he yelled.
They hadn’t gone very far when out of nowhere a Dominican woman selling empanadas cut in front of the bike with her cart. Penny and Stu slammed on the breaks but it was too late, they hit the side of the cart and were flung onto the sidewalk.
The woman felt so badly that she hadn’t seen the bike coming that she gave Penny and Stu each an empanada of their choice. Stu grasped for the beef while Penny took a spinach and a fist-full of napkins. As they ate their empanadas Penny told Stu that he didn’t think is was very prudent for the two of them to steal bicycles any more. Stu thought about it for a second, then turned to the Dominican woman and said, “Uno mas, por favor!”
WHEN Arctic Stu opened the mail to find two Court of New York jury summons notices for he and Colonel Penny Loafer he was dumbfounded.
“Jury duty? Are you freaking kidding me?”
“I”ve heard stories of this jury duty situation,” said Penny. “Absolutely dreadful.”
The day came and the duo arrived at the jurors room on Centre Street to be screened to serve. They went through security quickly, having no bags, jackets, or even clothes in which to conceal, well, anything but Stu’s iPhone, which he held in his paw.
In a steril and undecorated jurer’s room, Penny and Stu sat in silence as people from all walks of life shuffled in. An outdated movie showing medieval witches being drowned and Robin Hood-looking thieves having their hands boiled played, eventually changing the focus to more civilized modern day courtrooms.
“If this is an attempt to make this court system seem like a breath of fresh air, it’s sure working,” Penny said.
“It’s crap.” said Arctic Stu as he Tweeted “This sucks!!! #juryduty” on his phone.
After a few more minutes of silent anguish a court officer stood up and explained what everyone needed to do: Tear this form, sign this form, yadda yadda. “Is everyone here a US citizen?” he asked.
When Colonel Penny Loafer shared his situation the man was astounded. “Yous are from where?”
“Well, good sir, I am from a land of rock and snow called Antarctica and my good chap Stu over here is from the Arctic circle. A speck of a place called Svalbard.”
“It’s a pretty sweet place,” Stu added.
Incensed, the man told them to go to another building, where they would have to show Greencards. Of course neither Penny nor Stu had one. They had both come to the city on stray ice flows.
Afraid of being found out, they rushed out of the courtroom and hit the streets. Penny suspected that a man with an earpiece was following them so they dashed on the 4 train and sought the protection of Brooklyn.
There they were, a polar bear and a penguin without Greencards, evading the court system of New York City. Surely this would lead to more adventures. But first they had to get a burger at Junior’s.