Penny and Stu Steal a Schooner

Penny and Stu were quick to hatch a plan after they hopped aboard a three masted schooner at the Mystic Seaport Museum.

“What do you bribe a crew with?  Gold bullion?” Arctic Stu asked Penny.  “We can’t sail this ship by ourselves.”

“From the looks of this lot I would say they’d flip on their own father for a glazed donut.  Don’t worry about it.”

Penny and Stu climbed up on the forward deck and peered down at the people milling around the vessel.

“Ladies and Gentlemen!” Penny called out.  “I am Colonel Penny Loafer of South Georgia Island, this is my second in command, Stu, and under the order of the highest Emperor of Penguins, we are officially taking over this vessel.”  Instantly, a large woman with a fanny pack and jean shorts jumped overboard, hitting the water with a great splash.

Penny was quick to bark instructions at his newly consripted crew.  “You, holding the child on a leash, ready the mainsail!  You, with the “Ithaca is Gorges” t-shirt, climb to the crow’s nest!  And put on a different t-shirt!”

Penny was about to command his next crewmember when another voice broke the silence.

“What is going on here???” The question came from a man with a white beard and captain’s hat yelled.  His nametag read, “Cap’n Steve.”

“Good sir,” Penny responded.  “I am Colonel Penny Loafer of South Georgia Island, this is Stu, and we are commandeering this vessel.  I’ll ask you to kindly retire to your quarters. We’ll take it from here.”

The man laughed a big belly laugh.  “I’m sorry,” he said, “you two are misinformed.  This here is a museum vessel.  It doesn’t go anywhere!”

“Fiddle sticks, you daft excuse for a Captain!” Penny retorted. “Stu!  Undo the lines!  Ready the mainsail!”

“This ship doesn’t even have a rudder,” the man said.  “It’s just for show.  And I’m not a captain.  I’m a “Cap’n”.  Just Steve, really.  I teach history at the middle school. ”  Steve took Penny and Stu to the pilot room where they saw that the ship’s wheel was bolted tight so that little kids couldn’t spin it incessantly.

Soon, two elderly women from museum security walked gingerly onboard and took Penny and Stu to the exit.  Realizing that their plan to sail home for free had all been in vein, they left without a fight.

“That was our shot, Stu.”

“Whatever, man.  Just pound a Red Bull and let’s go.”

And the two left Mystic, Connecticut in search of their next curious adventure…

Penny and Stu Catch A Train

Penny and Stu rode their bikes from their home in Brooklyn to Grand Central Terminal, hoping to get a train out of the city.  They weren’t used to the 90 degree-plus heat that was baking the sidewalks.  And the piles of trash smelled like every seafood restaurant in the city finally decided to throw away the bad shrimp they’d been saving for a year.

Luckily, they were able to board the 12:37 to Connecticut.

“I hear that you can bring extra large beers on these trains,” said Stu.  “They call them tall boys.  You put them in brown paper bags, roll down the top and just drink from there.”

“I refuse to drink anything called a “tall boy”” said Penny.  “Until they serve Balvenie 18-year, the only single malt I enjoy, I’m going to continue with this bottle of Avian and let you chug out of paper bags.  Would you like some glue to huff as well?”

They hopped on the train; Stu with a Miller Lite tall boy and Penny with a bottle of Avian.  Their curious adventures continued…

Penny and Stu Visit the Chrysler Building

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Penny and Stu Get a Job at GNC (aka Penny and Stu Get Fired from GNC)

“You can’t recommend baby seals as a healthy source of protein!” the GNC manager yelled at Arctic Stu.

Stu and Colonel Penny Loafer had only been at the job for a few hours when the manager, Kevin, realized that his new hires weren’t going to last.

“And you!  Sergeant Penny.” Kevin was fuming.

“It’s Colonel, I’ll have you know! I didn’t spend three years at the Polar Training Academy on South Georgia Island to be called Sergeant.”

“You drank all of my fish oil and told a woman to sprinkle krill on her dinner tonight if she hoped to pack on the pounds for winter!”

“I said, “L.B.”s.”

“You’re both fired!”  Kevin flung open the door and kicked Penny and Stu out of the store. They were once again jobless.  They went back to the midtown streets and the adventure continued.

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