Posts Tagged With: new york city
“You can’t recommend baby seals as a healthy source of protein!” the GNC manager yelled at Arctic Stu.
Stu and Colonel Penny Loafer had only been at the job for a few hours when the manager, Kevin, realized that his new hires weren’t going to last.
“And you! Sergeant Penny.” Kevin was fuming.
“It’s Colonel, I’ll have you know! I didn’t spend three years at the Polar Training Academy on South Georgia Island to be called Sergeant.”
“You drank all of my fish oil and told a woman to sprinkle krill on her dinner tonight if she hoped to pack on the pounds for winter!”
“I said, “L.B.”s.”
“You’re both fired!” Kevin flung open the door and kicked Penny and Stu out of the store. They were once again jobless. They went back to the midtown streets and the adventure continued.
Times have been tough for Colonel Penny Loafer and Arctic Stu. Rent is due at the end of the month and neither have been able to secure a job. They’ve been to countless recruiters but beyond travel experience, they’ve been told they, “Don’t have any marketable skills.” and “Are a polar bear and penguin, not human beings.” One recruiter threw them out of her office when Colonel Penny Loafer rebutted her remark that he didn’t have any leadership experience.
“I’ve lead 30,000 of Antarctica’s finest through the dead of winter in the most inhospitable place on earth!” he said. “So what if I don’t know how to hide columns in Excel!”
Needless to say, they were in need of some spiritual guidance.
The psychic wasn’t very helpful. Her crystal ball had three finger-size holes in it and “7 Pounds” etched on one side. The first thing she saw when she looked at it was that Penny and Stu had come from a great distance. But she did say that all of Penny and Stu’s needs would be fulfilled soon, and that money would come from a place they least expected it. “The one thing I see clearly,” she said, “is that the two of you have many adventures yet to come. Also, those Buddha figures are on sale, if you’re interested.”
“DOES THAT TICK YOU OFF?” Stu asked Penny as they stood atop a West Village roof and watched a flock of geese fly overhead.
“Does what tick me off?”
“You know, that you can’t fly?”
“Oh brother,” Penny said. “How many times do we have to go over this?”
“Until you can fly.”
“Not all birds fly, Stu. There are flightless cormorants, ostriches, emus…there’s even a flightless bird in New Guinea called a cassowary. Strange fellow.”
“You’re like a basketball player who can’t dunk,” Stu said. “You’re the John Stockton of the bird community. He could pass and shoot for days, but when it came down to it, everyone just wanted to see him throw one down every once in a while.”
Penny walked to the other side of the building so he could look out over midtown. He’d never been this high up before. Maybe if he caught the wind just right he could fly down to the streets below. Maybe he could become a legend. The first flying penguin. Certainly the first in New York City.
Stu, saw Penny standing on the ledge and knew what he was thinking.
“You’re not going to dunk today, Colonel.”
So they hopped on the elevator and returned to the streets, safetly, ready for their next adventure.
After their harrowing experience with the stolen bicycle Penny and Stu decided that walking, not riding, the streets of New York was probably their best bet. But the streets were getting boring. They felt closed in. Too many commuters, too many cars and too many tourists. Oh, the tourists. “If one more tourist asks me which way is Uptown I’m going to vomit all over their fanny pack,” Stu told Penny.
Penny and Stu set off to cross all 5,989 feet of the Brooklyn Bridge. Despite it being February 2nd the air was warm, maybe a function of the same global warming that cast off the ice flows that brought both Penny and Stu to New York City in the first place. While Penny took in the view, Stu dreamed of speed. “I told you we should have kept that bike!” Stu told Penny. “We’re getting smoked!”
Penny stopped midway to read about the history of the bridge and New York Harbor. Stu hocked loogies over the side.
By the time they reached the other side of the bridge they couldn’t help but bask in the high that comes from crossing such an iconic structure. They took it all in.
“Wait! Do we have to go all the way back?” Stu asked.
“I say we keep going, my good chap. See what we can find in the great beyond.”
And their adventure continued…
“I’M TELLING YOU, you have to have a bike in this city,” Stu told Penny one day while playing Tony Hawk’s Shred on Xbox.
“I’d rather have a town car and a driver,” Penny said. “And do you always have to do that left side fakie ollie? It’s so rote.”
“I’ll do it until you come and steal a bike with me.”
And so Penny and Stu left their Lower East Side apartment, Stu with a pair of bolt cutters he’d borrowed from the super. Penny kept watch as Stu went to work on the chain. Within seconds the bike was free and now Penny and Stu had to make a decision. Where were they going to go? The answer: everywhere.
When the coast was clear they hopped on the pedals and got the bike to move. Although they didn’t have very good control of the bike, Penny and Stu ripped down Broadway. They wove in and out of traffic, slowing only when Stu saw a man pushing a Shih-Tzu in a stroller.
“You’re the animal, dude! That’s degrading!” he yelled.
They hadn’t gone very far when out of nowhere a Dominican woman selling empanadas cut in front of the bike with her cart. Penny and Stu slammed on the breaks but it was too late, they hit the side of the cart and were flung onto the sidewalk.
The woman felt so badly that she hadn’t seen the bike coming that she gave Penny and Stu each an empanada of their choice. Stu grasped for the beef while Penny took a spinach and a fist-full of napkins. As they ate their empanadas Penny told Stu that he didn’t think is was very prudent for the two of them to steal bicycles any more. Stu thought about it for a second, then turned to the Dominican woman and said, “Uno mas, por favor!”
No one has it easy in New York City. Unless you’re a Kardashian or a Central Park squirrel you have to work for every scrap. As a polar bear cub, Arctic Stu was really having a tough time. Rent was piling up and he was tired of Colonel Penny Loafer yapping about how he was carrying the penguin’s share of the responsibilities in their new environment. Desperate, Arctic Stu went to a temp agency.
He should have known that something was array when the agent winked and said she had the perfect fit for him in the medical offices of Lest Yethink Wecare.
They already had a polar bear working there! A big one! This temp agent clearly didn’t know how territorial some polar bears are and Derrick was no exception. Arctic Stu was settling into his cubicle when the attack came from above. Derrick pounced on Arctic Stu and had him on the ground before Arctic Stu could call his secretary for help.
Stu struggled but in a miraculous twist of fate, Derrick slipped on a pile of papers and landed flat on his back.
Stu quickly scampered away and when he was a safe distance from Derrick, posted a scathing review of the temp agency on his Facebook wall followed by seven sad face emoticons. Hours later his friends saw that he checked into McSorleys Ale House on his FourSquare account. This wasn’t the first challenge in Arctic Stu’s adventures, and it certainly wouldn’t be his last.
“Maybe I’ll try retail…”